DEJA VU

“Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow” - Nursery rhyme

So I get home after a big long flight and sleep for a while, then when I wake up I think about how my plants are doing. After the Plant Tragedy last time I left Mary in charge, I might well wonder.

THE CAKE THIEF

"Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worthwhile." ~ Anonymous

It's late, and I need to think. Cigarettes help me think but I've run out. I go into Mary's room - without knocking. It's midnight. She's always asleep by now.

I head for the far side of the sofabed to look for fags.

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend. ~ Corey Ford

For reasons that I can't quite untangle, Liam's dog - a Staff called 'Princess Pooch' is staying at Mary's. But Mary hasn't got the hang of this Dog Thing at all.

"Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired." ~ General Sir Walter Walker

Me and Mary were just discussing the wisdom of firing all the council employees, forcing them out of posh areas, then re-employing them at £1 per hour in forced labour gangs, as the government here seems to be proposing.

I have to find someplace to hide! Someplace new. Names have been changed to protect the guilty...

Julia is Coming Round. If she doesn't Come Round here tonight, shes Coming Round on Monday night. Its been a long time since she Came Round, as was just pointed out to Mary on the phone.

So what I need now is a nice all-evening booking, or one that lasts till Tuesday, just to be sure.

THE BURGLAR

“It is a poor family that hath neither a whore nor a thief in it” ~ Proverb

The other night I came home from seeing my oldest client (in both senses of the word) a complete darling of 76, clutching a present he gave me - a box of brandy chocolates.

Mmm...!

I had one. Or perhaps two.