The Garden Path

“A good garden may have some weeds.” ~ Thomas Fuller

http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/305357_2424751982695_1368...

See that plant?

(Sorry, Drupal is playing up and won't let me display the picture directly).

That was my plant, that was.

That was my other nice green lavender plant. The one the pigeons didn't destroy.

I went away on holiday to the US to stay with Harrison, or 'Oklahoma' as Rodger calls him, and I left Mary some money as a reward for her watering my plants. Several rewards actually. I hid twenty pound notes here and there. Under the dishes the plants sit on, under the umbrella stand, in a little Tardis shaped box Mary got me etc.. I was planning to let her know where I'd hidden one at a time, after evidence of some actual Watering was forthcoming.

She sent me a text the instant I arrived about her finding the money and spending it. To be fair, she also sent me 'Plant Watering: The Movie' which was an exciting film all about her finding plant after plant and pouring water over it quite liberally while complaining "Oh no not another bloody triffid how many effing plants do you have, Ice???"

Not as many as I used to.

It wasn't the only one. Two gorgeous looking, huge, hard-to-miss ferns have been reduced to three leaves each and 'leaves' is a generous assessment of the situation. Yet when I got back everything was sitting in a good three inches of water each.

I knew there had been some riots in London when I was gone, seeing as I can't leave you lot alone for a minute - but I didn't know there had been a selection of Biblical Plagues too. Like droughts and floods.

I am not a Happy Icicle.

"Mary" I said, holding up the lavender plant "Mary.."

"Yeah..?"

"What's this then?"

"What do you mean, Ice?"

"What's happened to my lavender plant?"

"?"

"What's happened to my fucking lavender plant? What Biblical fucking Plague descended on Crouch End? I thought you were supposed to water the plants for me?"

"But I did! I came in all the time and watered them, it's not my fault you have so many bloody plants! I kept watering and watering then I'd find another bloody plant somewhere."

"I've got too many plants so you thought you'd kill off a few??"

Get it down to a manageable number like..

"Look at it!" I said.

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's not a lavender plant any more now is it?"

"What is it then?"

It's an ex fucking lavender plant, that's what it is. A lavender plant what is no more. Gone to meet it's Maker. The only reason it's still upright is you probably nailed it to it's fucking stick!"

"Well I don't know what it's supposed to look like, do I?"

"Green Mary.." I said, "Green would be a good start."