Why Americans are Fat.

"Tell me what you eat, I'll tell you who you are."~ Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

So I'm in America, and while Harrison is at work, I'm sanding down the kitchen table, painting it then sanding it again several times. I was pondering the frightening sight I'd seen the day before in a local 'Ihop' - a cafe chain. Man there are some large Americans, I'm thinking, big biiiiig Americans. I'm scared to go into the slushy section of QuikTrip too - for fear the customers mistake me for food.

They were round the blue Slushy machine like Humming birds round nectar.

Big Humming birds.

Harrison's daughter, Faith, wanted me to go in there with her once, but I wouldn't. Large people frequently assume I'm skinny just to piss them off.

Harrison even has a big fat-assed dog who was so big he needed help to get up every time and the vet said it was arthritis.

Harrison had been putting the two dogs - Fat Ass and Skinny Ass, into the laundry room with a single bowl of food then shutting the door. Later on, one great big fat-assed dog would come waddling out, followed by a tiny little skinny dog.

Wonder what happened in there then??

I put Fat Ass on Glucosamine and Chondroitin, and a strict diet that included an automated dog food dispenser doling out a tiny portion of Doggie Kibble every four hours, then got Skinny Ass her own RFID-tag operated bowl.

It shuts on Fat Ass' nose.

In six weeks he lost ten pounds and either he never had arthritis in the first place or the Glucosamine worked - because now, the instant he hears the Kibble Dispenser hit the jackpot - he is up and at it faster than the eye can see. No human intervention needed.

So how do Americans get so fat?

I am bored of sanding so I switch on the TV for something to listen to while I work. It is an afternoon chat show.

They are about to do some cooking.

This cooking section gets quite a build-up - in fact it is the finale to the show. They are going to be cooking 'dawgs', which must be hot dogs.

And that's where it all got a bit peculiar.

The chef came on to the sort of applause Barack Obama got for winning the election. He and the host start talking in quite physical terms about all the nice food - and how good it would feel slithering down your throat.

Not a single goddamned word about whether the stuff would kill you, what it's nutritional content might be or anything like that. It was food porn. Then it got worse.

Each new ingredient was introduced to a standing ovation!

Yup. Americans clap food. They cheer at it.

Food is fun. That's all it is. And then I noticed something else - this so-called 'food' which being mostly wheat, fat, sugar and pig's anus, is not even considered food at all on my planet.

The presenter calls for quiet. Her voice becomes low and serious. She wants to talk about something controversial, I could tell.

What could be worse than all this then, I'm thinking? Must be pretty bad. Is she going to stuff live kittens down her face or something?

"Now this is strictly optional.." she says. "it is entirely up to you.." her voice faltered with the gravity of what she was about to impart. "You don't have to do this yourselves.."

Oh do get on with it you silly cow..

"..but sometimes I like to have a fried onion on my dawg.."

Utter silence.

Although it was strictly optional, the audience is still stunned to learn that some people eat vegetables.